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SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
Dating Tips
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?