When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
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My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
barbara was highly relatable
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula