I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
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[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.