A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
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Body by cheese-puffs.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
Siri, fight Alexa.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too