Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
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William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
yes… yes…
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this