I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
You Might Also Like
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home