Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
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“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.