I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
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No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter