just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
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murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
The photographer’s assistant
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain