Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
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Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.