Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
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Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
pelicons
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement