The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
You Might Also Like
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
A duv-egg? In this economy?
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.