The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
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me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.