[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
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3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password