her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
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Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
Bringing home a sharpie
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
The days of good grammer has went
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.