I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
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So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.