“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
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“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
idk flipping houses looks really hard
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Raisins are grape jerky.
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson