I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
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Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
i wish i could marry a nap
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
Möther may I have a snäck
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.