🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
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CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.