[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
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I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?