i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
You Might Also Like
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
Not messing around
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
The days of good grammer has went
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Girl, same.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.