Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
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Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.