mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
You Might Also Like
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?