mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
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It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
the simulation is moving too fast
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT