Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
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Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
this is the most humiliating day of my life
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
secret recipe
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.