You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
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A tragic love story in two pictures.
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
My current situation
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!