Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
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Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
sleeping beauty
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
the short answer to this question
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question