Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
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You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.