Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
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You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.