nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
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Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
LMAO
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
*puts cutlery down*