LMAO
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I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder