*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
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My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
I have so many questions.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.