Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
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Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
don’t we all
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME