I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
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“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
huge valentines day plans this year!!
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.