First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
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BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?