Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
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Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
Meow?
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”