If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
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The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
mathematically impossible
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.