[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
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me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
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Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
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Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
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lol
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ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more