Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
You Might Also Like
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
his wife is probably gonna see that
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.