I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
You Might Also Like
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.