Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.

Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”

Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”

I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?

Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker

As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.

Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song

Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar

Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?

The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.

me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat

mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]

me: so really i did you guys a favor

Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?

Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?

Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*

*Spends night making balloon animals

Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?

[taking immortality pills]

wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand

i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???

god: ..and this part is your crust

earth: i’m a pizza 🙂

god: no that’s-

earth: everybody loves pizza 😀

god: but

earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)

god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing

I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him

Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.

Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.

[At astronomy convention]

For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.

Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.

Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.

I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”

Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.

Veganism is responsible for The Fall.

Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.

How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?

I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.

I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.

Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?

Me: No

[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]

Me: But I used to be an embryo

Them: I don’t like you.
Me:

You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again

-Plagiarists