A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
You Might Also Like
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
Morning.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?