A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
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Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
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If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
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18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
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