Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
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“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
Is fake venison called venisn’t
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …