My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
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Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics