Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
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[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
Twitter remains undefeated
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.