[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
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“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia