They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
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I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.