if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
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I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!