My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
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[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.