Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
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Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.