IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
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Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
The Backseat Boys
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”